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Looking Ahead

Looking ahead, I am seeing a year filled with challenges and new experiences. I will be interning at the local community college as a classroom instructor. I graduated from this particular school with an AS degree in one of the allied heath fields in 2000. Since that time, I have been back in school to complete my BS in education. Part of the requirements is that I fulfill two semesters of internship. Last semester, my internship was online and although time consuming it was a great experience.

Now, I will be actually in front of a class. Speaking. Out loud. Talking about stuff. This has me totally freaked out!! I am not the type of person that is comfortable speaking in front of people. The mere thought of this actually makes me physically ill. I have taken speech class. It was an online class. Still had to make speeches at the campus, but only 4. I do not remember any of them. I do remember standing in the media center looking out towards the road thinking.. " My head is pounding from the anxiety...... I will probably have a frigging stroke before I have to give this speech!"" I remember walking out after the speech was done and driving home. That is it. No recollection of my speech or the speeches of my other classmates. Completely blank.

But... I know I have to "step out of the boat" and stop living in fear. I have lived in fear so long, it is comfortable. My mind is rationalizing my situation. "I could just postpone this one more semester..... or switch back to an online internship. How bad could that be??"

Oh Lisa.... come on! Stop being a wuss. But it is so easy to just walk a way. I want to just walk away and say forget it. I have a career. I do not need this stress!

See.... the conversations in my mind are endless.......


Paula said...

One thing I have found over the years is that the one thing I put off, that was so scary for me, that I had so much anxiety and panic over wasn't as bad as I thought after the fact and I had spent endless time and energy worrying about something that was not worth it to begin with. this is my gentic make up. When I started my new job as a social worker in oct. I was taking a big leap, making myself go to strangers houses everyday...but it helps me overcome things everyday and I realized last night that I am way stronger then I give myself credit for so if I can do it then you can do it too.

Lisa said...

thank you paula. Your kind words really do mean a lot to me.