Welcome to Cents To Save! Follow along as we pay down our debt, become mortgage free, and enjoy life. You can read more about this site here and subscribe to get all the latest updates sent to you by email or RSS feed here. Thanks for visiting!

Third Time is Not A Charm

There is a pattern here that is repeating itself. It involves my oldest son, a 34 year old electrician......with a drinking problem. This weekend, he was in a fender bender. He rear-ended a Mercedes at a stoplight. He did stop and he exchanged information with the driver Mercedes. The police were called and while they were waiting for the police to arrive he called me.

Usually when he calls at night, late at night it's never a good thing. He proceeded to tell me that he was in an accident and that he's been drinking and that he knows he is going to jail. So what do you say when your son calls you with that information? I guess you don't want to get that call from a child but when you do what you say?

I just agreed with him that yes he should not have been drinking and yes he should not have been driving and yes he's going to jail. After the cops got there and he was arrested I called his sister to let her know. His truck which is paid for isn't her name so he could afford the insurance. We just wanted to make sure that no one was hurt during this accident and so far as we know there were no injuries except the vehicles in question.

This is his third time being charged with the DUI. We don't know what his bloodbath blood alcohol level was. He refused the breathalyzer which results in automatic license suspension of 12 months. Florida law is pretty clear when this is your third time being charged and convicted of a DUI.

You stand to lose your license for 10 years. You will pay between $2000 and $4000 in fines. You will pay for your counseling. You pay for everything when you're charged and convicted of a DUI. And you will serve a mandatory 30 days in Jail at least!

This is such a mess for our family. I should say it's more of a mess for my son but the no matter how hard we try it tends to affect us as well. Of course this involves money. My children inherited CDs for my mom. But the CDs are in a safe deposit box in the bank. And mom's estate is going through probate so we don't have access to that safety deposit box or herother bank accounts.

The boy is going to need some money for his lawyer. And God knows, he needs a lawyer this time. I'm going to let him borrow money from his lawyer against his inheritance. He will sign a paper stating that I will get back when he borrowed from his inheritance so I won't be out anymore money.

There's another fly in the ointment with the story. I rented my mom's house to him and his girlfriend for operating costs to help them out. Yes, I do know that I am an enabler. But I always have eternal hope for his success. But I might be the problem for him to obtain his success because I do enable him all the time. My concern is that was when he goes to jail for his mandatory 30 days how's the rent going to be paid? His girlfriend is not stable, can't hold a job and is part of his problem too.

The plus side of this is that they only signed a six-month lease. So at the end of December the will be looking for a new place to live. That's if things don't go smoothly and the rent is not paid. I have a feeling that the girlfriends mother would pay the rent just so the girlfriend wouldn't have to move back home. So I probably don't have to worry too much about the rent being paid.

What I'm truly hoping for with this third arrest for his DUI, is that he will go to rehab. He needs help, and we want him to get better. He doesn't see that he needs rehab he thinks counseling will do it. I think it's time for us just to let him go and let God continue the work in him. I have put my son on my Sunday school prayer list for a long time. I just have to let God take over and I have to stop enabling him. But honestly, it's going to be hard for me to stop. I have done it for so long.

He meets with hs lawyer today so we should have some news later on about the outcome of the situation. He's going to get the truck out of his sisters name and into his girlfriend's name. I think that's a mistake, but that's his mistake to make. I think he just needs to have lose everything to realize that he does need serious serious help.

Subscribe by Email | Subscribe by RSS | Follow on Twitter

Image credit


Lisa Richardson said...

Oh Lisa, my heart is breaking for you. I guess what your son needs right now is to know that you love him, hopefully this is the wakeup call for him. You are doing the right thing, he will need to pay his fines somehow and borrowing against his inheritance is the right thing to do (with his signature stating to pay it back just as you are). My stepson is only 18 and has been involved twice in the last six months with the law. He comes from four loving parents, Mom, Dad, Stepmom, Stepdad and a very stable family life so only himself to answer to. Obviously sometimes people get into trouble and keep repeating patterns, and no matter what you tell yourself, how hard you try, it will effect you. Stay strong, take care of yourself, you have been through so much this year.

Lisa Richardson said...

Have you considered Al-Anon? My heart breaks for you and this situation. However, there comes a time to take care of yourself so you can do what is best for the addict in your family. My dad was a functioning alcoholic my whole life, and I credit Al-Anon for saving my sanity.

Lisa Richardson said...

I don't normally comment - but you are right when you say that you are enabling him. We went through this with my sister and the reality was even when we all stopped enabling her - she continued the self-destructive behavior. So do what you have to do to live with yourself (make sure he has shelter, whatever it is) while trying to inflict as little damage to yourself as possible. Let him know you'll help with rehab (moral, physical, emotional, financial support) but only that.

People can change but only when they want to change and not one minute sooner.

Lisa Richardson said...

I can't even imagine what you are going through. This is a tough one for sure. Hopefully your son will get the help he needs and make it through. My prayers are with you and your family!! {hugs} - Sharon

Lisa Richardson said...

Thank you for your comments. I do know what I should do. I also know just how difficult it will be. I am hoping And praying that he will see the benefits of Rehab,

Lisa Richardson said...

I probably should have been going to Al-Anon years ago. Thank you for reminding me that help is out there for family members of addicts.

Lisa Richardson said...

Thank you for your kind and supportive words. I know he needs to be responsible for his actions. But no matter how old your child is, you still want to help. I need to find balance.

Lisa Richardson said...

Thanks Sharon. God is in control.

Lisa Richardson said...

I can't imagine how hard this situation is for all involved. I want to echo the others. Now is time to take care of yourself. Do you have a counselor for yourself? Al-Anon was another excellent suggestion. Good luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Lisa Richardson said...

Thank you for your support. As of yet I do not have a counselor..... But a great idea. And al-anon too.

Lisa Richardson said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. Can you attend AA as a family member to help you cope with this. I understand what you are going through as my family is inundated with alcoholism. I don't drink for this reason. Again I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you. Like you need this on top of your mom and dad. You really need time to heal.

Lisa Richardson said...

Hi Kim
I am going to look for an Al-Anon group near me. It think it is a step in the right direction for me. Thanks for your thoughts. :)

Lisa Richardson said...

Lisa, it looks like you've gotten great advice in previous comments. I know it's hard to let your kids suffer the consequences of their decisions but it is the best thing for them sometimes.